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Preface:  this is probably the main reason why I got my "voice" back.  This idea isn't solely a case of perception; the glass being half empty or half full is semantics at the moment.  More relevant is what's in the glass, and whether I want to drink what's in it.

 

Yes, I'm considering throwing in the towel on dating, relationships, marriage, partnership and happily-ever-after, completely.  I've been considering it for quite a while, actually.

A bit of background:  When I was 37-ish, I had a frank conversation with my older, wizened gynecologist, about my fibroids.  One of the tumors was inoperable via less invasive procedures, and he recommended a hysterectomy.  I was holding out the hope that the guy I was, er, boning on the regular, would pony up to commitment, so I could use 1 last egg to have another child.  2 years later, when that didn't happen, I held an emotional funeral internally for my unused eggs.  I mourned them for a long time, thought a lot about missed opportunities and whether or not the decision to hold on to my uterus was wise, given my statistics:  single (never married), black, woman, parent, resident of Atlanta.  The odds were never exactly stacked in my favor.

What the heck does all that have to do with dating, exactly?:  I have that exact same feeling again.  The mourning feeling.  The odds not being stacked in my favor feeling.  Compounded with the feeling that I haven't enjoyed "dating" in this century.  The funeral hymn is playing in the background, but wait I'm jumping ahead...

The idea of dating has lost its appeal:  It has become more chore than fun. The same stats that suggested I probably wouldn't have another child seem to suggest that I should settle.  Compromise.  Lower my standards.  Drink what's in the glass being presented to me - if I buy into statistics that is.  Or, if I buy into what men, black men specifically (can't speak to others, since I don't date them) are presenting me with.

A few recent cases in point:

• The brother who refuses to "date" because he "doesn't want to waste money getting to know me".  He'd rather get to know me by putting his proverbial feet on my proverbial couch (double entendre intended).
• The brothas completely lacking creativity, inspiration or even thought in their approach.  Typically, the approach is: "Hey, I'm not busy so if you're not busy, maybe you can come up with something for us to do?  Just watch the budget"

• The brothas looking for instant-

  

  Image by ElvertBarnes via Flickr

  relationships:  men who "claim" they want to settle down either the instant they lay eyes on me, or when they realize I fit their mold of the "significant other" they're looking for.  They have a square hole...I'm a bit round, but I guess I look like I might fit...
• The brothas looking for someone to upgrade them:  'nuff said
• The brothas looking to upgrade themselves:  you're a solid 5 on a scale of 1-10. but as a single, black man of a certain age, with a job, all your teeth and a health plan, you're looking to date outside your weight class.  I get that.  But that does not get you a dime, unless you're willing to pay for it.  And that doesn't ensure that I'm going to date a 2, because the odds are against me.  I don't care how many 2s try this logic.
• The brothas lacking in social graces, the brothas lacking in manners/etiquette, the brothas, the brothas, the brothas...

I don't mean to let women off the hook (them being "thirsty" and "doing the most" and all).  And I have, at times, been that exact woman.  But it's the brothas I date, and the brothas are presenting me with the glass that's full of, frankly, shyt.  I simply have lost the taste for it.

Don't get it twisted:  I love black men, still.  But I am losing the desire to date one, in any way, shape or form.

And on relationships:  I haven't had one in over 14 years.  Next topic...

So, what to do?:  I have thought about this, prayed, slept, worried, talked to a counselor, talked to friends and have read (and continue to read) self-help and relationship books.  Not the Steve Harvey kind either.

I'm attending a webinar with a clinical psychologist about dating black men later this week, and hope to pose this as a question.

But seriously, and this question isn't rhetorical - what do you do when you're ready to give up?  When the funeral hymn is playing in the background, and the idea (body) is laid out on the casket, ready for viewing?  Is it at this point you call a doctor for a cure?

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It's an end of an era...

I've been blogging since November 24, 2001

Much of it has been personal. VERY personal. So personal, in fact, that it's become burdensome. If you're wondering why I'm stopping - that's it, in a nutshell. The joy I once felt in writing in this space is gone, for more reasons than I care to recount. But I am busy, things have changed - and I'd rather spend my time doing things, than talking about doing them.

My only goal when I started blogging/writing was to make some sense of what I was going through. And to tell the truth.

Blogging has evolved dramatically in the last 9 years, and with it....comes the time to ask myself if I need to evolve also. The answer is yes.

So, with that - it's time to go.

I want to thank you - those of you that have taken the time to read my stuff, and give me feedback, comments, email me, etc. I appreciate all that you've shared with me, positive and negative.

And no, I haven't stopped writing completely - it's just time for the journey to take a new direction.

This leg is over.

Now on to the next.....

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author's note: even as I did this, I noted to myself that this was either pretty brave, or really stupid. Jury's still out on which...

I hate this question. I really do. I mean, we all ask it - but what purpose does it serve, really? Do we think the person being asked is going to really be honest about their character flaws, or why their relationships ended?

But I, like many people, try to formulate a response that's both honest and flattering. That reveals enough of who we are, to gain the asker's interest. An answer like: "I wasn't ready to settle down...I haven't met the right person...." or something along those lines. Marginally honest, but ultimately generic enough to not be unflattering.

And then I thought to myself, do I even know the real answer? Would my "exes" agree? And really - isn't it more important that I know why and that my answer is honest with me, than me deluding myself with that same marginally honest answer?

So, I asked them directly. Their responses? Let's go to the tape...

Ex #1::You're going for it (a relationship) from a whole 'nother view - from an MBA position..and that's not a good look....you like to be in charge of the situation, men are not going to allow that. That's not gonna happen. No man wants to feel like a bitch, and if they do - they're settling. Eventually, they'll be Tiger Woods-ing it. A man needs a woman, he doesn't need a man. And he wants a woman that will play her position. You're a Taurus and you're stubborn, you have a bad temper, and when things get thick, you want to leave. And you leave. A man wants to be the protector, and when you pull out a shank to protect him, he ain't feeling it.

author's note: he really revelled in giving it to me straight, didn't he? Ouch. Okaay...let's press on, shall we....next....

Ex #2:: Well are u pushing peeps away? U did that with me. U said things that went to u not wanting a relationship...U said I didn't really love u....It made me say f*ck it.....Dude fa real I wanted u all to me.....u gotta stop....U may miss ya shit

author's note: yeah, I did do that....next....

Ex #3:: 'cause u want to be...

author's note: don't u hate an extra short response? Like dude - seriously? So, I asked him to go in....and he says....

Ex #3:: You are a person that is smart, attractive, well educated, good lover....it's just you. Your personality. You want a man to be every dayum bit of a man when he steps to you...you don't want a quarter of a man, he can't be a half a man...you want a man be a whole man. In Georgia, women spoil men, and take care of them so good, men are spoiled.....men aren't trying to be that old-skool, back in the day man....times have changed, and you aren't going to meet the types of men your mama met. Women tend to look for a man like their dad...and a lot of brothers now can't live up to that. And it's easier to deal with a woman who will settle. You have to take a man where he is. But you? You take one look at a man's potential....and if he doesn't live up to your standards? You fire them so fast, and so hard...he doesn't even know what hit him.....

author's note: ...and the last response from my exes.

Ex #4:: By choice....Better to be alone than in bad company.

So, there you have it. My thoughts weren't THAT far off....but I definitely learned a lil something...something.

My standards are high. I've known this for years, but - Ex #3 put that into perspective. My high standards alone aren't necessarily the hindrance, but combine them with dating in a market where demand is extremely high (lots of single women) and supply is iffy (quality men are in short supply)...and the idea that some of those single women are not only willing to settle, but also willing to spoil, nurture, or cater to a single man in ways that...well...I just haven't been equipped to....and my single-ness is not only completely explainable, but no longer surprising.

As for the other responses: Yes, as per Ex #1- I go hard (my nickname is Brooklyn) - and men don't find that attractive. Not surprising, duly noted - and I'm working on that. And as for Ex #2's comment, yes - I'm also a runner. Also working on that.

I'm a work in progress, obviously. I'm also painfully aware that if I want to end my single status - I CANNOT keep doing the same thing I've been doing for years (because doing the same thing and expecting different results is idiocy, isn't it?).

This was, definitely, enlightening. If any of my other exes respond...I'll post it accordingly.