Live from the Jungle Floor

live from the jungle floor:: No, that isn't a picture from me, on an African Safari. That, my friends, is a picture from my back yard, and you can thank Yolie for inspiring me to embarass myself like I'm about to.

See, I haven't, I mean hadn't cut the grass since I moved in.

Okokokok, let me explain: see what had happened, was...OK, seriously, the front yard wasnt really growing very fast. Not fast at all. Matter of fact, other than the sod filling itself in, it hadn't grown at all. So it had fooldeded me into thinking the back yard wasn't all that bad.

Until I started hearing things.

bring the noise:: First, it was crickets. I chalked my sensitivity to their noise up to my adjusting to life in the "country", since I was trading sirens for woodland sounds. I figured I just had to get used to it. So, when they got louder, and more frequent, I just figured it was my overactive imagination. But then, I began to hear other noises. Humming. Cooing. Owls, whoo-ing. Leaves, rustling. Birds, chirping. Purring. And other sounds I couldn't easily identify. It got so bad, that I just stopped watering my back yard anywhere near dusk, for fear of what I'd hear/see back there.

the grassbuster, 3000:: So, yesterday I finally picked up my "special ordered" lawn mower. Wait, let me splain. I, being somewhat of a diva, had already made up my mind that I wanted an electric lawn mower, with a bag, for less than $XXX. I tried to wait until my model went on sale, but the noise from my back yard finally became unbearable. So, my Home Depot gift certificates in hand (thanks to XX, XX, XX and XX for breaking a sista OFF at my housewarming ;-) I went to pick it up. Lo and behold, they don't sell bagged electric lawn mower in the Southeast at all. What?! After much discussion between myself, and two extremely sweet HD managers (and probably after they determined I just wouldn't leave without said model), they had it transferred from Chicago for me, sans shipping. I got it yesterday!

7:30 PM this afternoon:: mow the front lawn, with no unpleasant incident, and with my coworker's firm caution "be careful & don't run over the cord" firmly in mind. As I said, it'd barely grown, so even on the lowest setting it barely shaved 1/4 inch off the top in the front. Ok, well, the sides of my house were a little hairier, since it's shady there, and the run-off from the front lawn slides into a small ditch that leads to the back yard. This run-off was a smidge longer, but still not bad. I'm pretty sure I managed to whack a few cricket-families mowing the sides of my house. Nevertheless, I'm making good time, so I push on to the back.

*gasps in horror* holy ish batman - this grass has got to be eight inches high! I walk through the back yard, scanning for rocks, sticks, pinecones, etc. Now, it's not all 8" high, some of it's only 2", but I'm still having some trouble seeing my feet. Let alone what's in the yard. And I'm a little scared of what 8" grass will do to the Grassbuster, 3000. But I push on, and Grassbuster does its thing, s-l-o-w-i-n-g-d-o-w-n-s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y when I try to hit those 8" patches. But, it hacks at it, and the grass yields. We're a force to be reckoned with!

8:25 PM:: there are creatures in my grass. I begin to see them scattering away from the noise of the lawnmower, at the very edge of my perception. Grey things, quick-moving things. The things appear to dive in and out of my long tall grass, like dolphins dancing in the ocean. They dive up, and plunge back into the grass. I'm getting tired, my arms hurt, sweat is pouring off my forehead...stinging my eyes, and I'm not quite quick enough to catch a full glimpse of, these...things. But I know they're there, and I can hear some of them, crunching, slithering, and being shredded by the lawn mower. I'm working hard to finish before dark, but the lawn, the lawn mower, and the cord is giving me fits...

Mistake #1 - I bought a green extension cord.
Mistake #2 - I started really late.
Mistake #3 - I'm a girl that's afraid of creatures.

So, at 8:35, when said creature slithers across the top of the grassbuster, 3000, greyly in high contrast with the grassbuster 3000's orange motor housing, I shrieked, lunged toward the creature with the lawn mower, and proceeded to...

...run right over the cord.

Which the Grassbuster, 3000 neatly shredded, before the lack of electricity shut its motor off. Friggin great. Oh, and said creature slithered off into the woods behind my house, unharmed.

8:45 PM:: truck off to Lowe's, to buy another cord. An orange one.

9:30:: the Grassbuster, 3000 and I are still at it. I'm still sweating, still hearing noises, but I no longer care. I run over any/everything that gets in my path. It's fully dark now, and the only light is coming from my neighbor's yards, and the occasional firefly. My primary concern now is to finish somewhat neatly, so that I only have to do touchups later...until the bushes in front of me rustle, loudly and...part.

That's f*ckin' it! This shyt will wait until tomorrow. Hopefully the lawn mower will still be out there in the same spot, when I go back out there to finish.

Oh, you didn't think I was going to stick around to see what it was, did you?