I'm trying very hard to "remain positive" and "keep the faith", but I'm finding it exceedingly hard to do so. I'm less than 45 days to closing, and I'm broke. REAL broke. Broke enough that I had to ask my ex (FL) for some cash, during his whole "you should give me another chance" moment. But I had to do, what I had to do, and I knew, regardless, that he'd come through.
Problem is, my problems are steadily compounding. Bessie (my truck) is overheating, which will cost about $900 to fix. I just spent about $1400 on Bessie last month, when my rear axle went out. My apartment complex, whose rent is exorbitant, has been getting on me about my car - an old Nissan Altima that the FL and i bought together, that I just paid off. Well, seems the apartment complex won Round 1, 'cause they had it impounded last night. At the very least, I have to pay the tow fees, which I don't have. At the most, I have to pay the tow fee, and store it somewhere offsite of my apartment complex. The fact that I'm moving in approximately 45 days doesn't really matter to them.
Thing is, I rarely write about negative things, or things like this that bother me, because I hate to give them any energy. Don't want to breathe life into it, yanno? But this time, it just seems as if it's been one thing after another, and its increasing exponentially as I get close to closing. I hate whining, but honestly...I'm really depressed. Here I am, single mom, nowhere near any family, limited resources (hell, all my $ usually goes toward everyday necessities - food, daycare, bills, etc).
I've been struggling alone with handling my issues, my household, my family...for over 20 years. It's been...hard. Really hard. I've had obstables that I thought were insurmountable - honestly, we ain't talking speedbumps in life. FL, the abuse, the incest, not having a family to turn to, Hammy being diagnosed as disabled, FL's financial issues, etc...etc..etc. The fact that I manage to overcome them all on my own, is a testament to my sheer will. I can't front like I don't have a support system, I do. But it's small, and overtaxed right now as well. I wish I could pick up a phone, and call someone, to say I need help. But right now...there's no one available at the other end of that line. The f&*$ed up part is, that there really rarely is anyone at the other end of that line.
My friends keep telling me that the "devil is busy" because I'm coming into my own finally. My house is a blessing, and "the devil" isn't trying to let me have that. Funny, I used to be able to agree with that. Right now though, that's no consolation at this point. These are my issues, I created them, I own them and although I know it's up to me to fix them, it just hurts me so much to know that I'm going through this alone, again and again and again.
I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel, yanno? But it scares me that I'm thinking these clouds are going to part, only to be followed by an impending thunderstorm.
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