maybe it is as simple as you choosing right now to define who you are for yourself and not anyone else...
I'm going through it y'all. Remember when I said I'd blog the truth, and damn the liar? Well, the liar is me.
I'm not happy. Matter of fact, lately I've been in a perpetual state of pisstivity. Pissed off about work, pissed off about going back to school, pissed off about theSlab, pissed off about traffic, pissed off about this extra weight I'm carrying, pissed off about my hair...basically pissed off about every-dayum-thing.
But the thing that (I thought) pissed me off the most at this point is the dating thing. I ain't recapping, just take my word that for me, dating has sucked gigantic rocks for quite a while now. Or use the search feature, look for words like "relationship", "sex", "a$$hole", "theOofA", "JC" etc, and you'll get a general idea.
So I'm parking @ my local grocery store, and the brotha in the car next to my parking spot is staring at me. I don't know why, he never says a word, just openly stares. And it literally made me so mad I wanted to curse him the f&*% out, but I stopped myself, because that. sounds. crazy. I keep it moving, head home mad, and IM a guy friend of mine to vent about the fact that I hate men...and (amongst other things) he (gently) makes that suggestion:
maybe it is as simple as you choosing right now to define who you are for yourself and not anyone else...
The conversation was like this:
him:: Right this second, if you stripped away the things that you do to make ends meet, and the things you do to make other people happy, and the things you do because your values say they're the "right" things to do, what would you have left? What things do you do to make yourself happy?
Nothing. Well blogging. And masturbating. But that is a very short list.
him::And if you stopped doing all these things, what/who would you be?
I. don't. know.
Trying not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a very steep cliff, looking out into the Abyss. Flailing my arms, trying to keep my balance. On the one hand, I can keep doing what I'm doing, and hope I can get past this. On the other, I can step out into the unknown, redefine myself, figure out why my arms (that are VERY VERY TIRED, BTW) are flailing, and just...well, be. With the only goal being to find, me.
And before you say to yourself, she's just tripping, or it's a mid-life crisis, or this is just a lil down that she needs to get past, feel my thought process on this:
I've been a single parent since I was a child, and a mother before I knew who I was, and before I decided what I wanted to be. I've lost more loved ones than I currently have, and my whole family before I understood how important they were to me. I've had my a$$ kicked quite liberally (literally) by life and love, and "redefined" myself to begin recovery. But that definition is completely about my career and what I do to survive, and not about who I am as a person. I saw a shrink about it (actually more than one) and she was crazier than I was. And while some of y'all know me outside the blogosphere, this is probably the most revealing conversation about myself that we've ever had.
I knew I had trust issues, and have for decades. I knew I had issues with my confidence and insecurities. What I didn't know, and don't fully understand, is that my biggest issue is with this illusion that I've created that is my life. I put on a mask, to protect myself, from being hurt, from drama, from allowing myself to get to close to anyone or anything, for fear of my losing those things that mean the most to me. What I didn't realize, and still don't fully understand, is that the facade I've created...
him:: but the sad part is that you are not shielding yourself from the world, you are doing it to shield the real you from the fake you
I was content (or so I thought), but is contentment satisfying? Fulfilling? Enough?
@X - it actually is a HUGE consolation. thanks for that morsel honestly - it made me feel better.
@gapeach - again, I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
@ej - you are too smart for your own good. Now I gotta learn not to partake of the hair of the dog, to cure that, kna'mean?
Girl all I can *shaking head* strike that... all I WILL say is... I totally, totally, unequivocably... feel you. You are soooo not alone. Whatever morsel of consolation THAT might be.
We are on the same wavelength...
Contentment is TEMPORARY. It's the alcohol that lets you sleep, but can give you a hangover if you're not careful.