August 2005 Archives

Bakers Dozen c/o KB via ej.

1. emotional turmoil:: my oven is gleaming. Sure sign something is terribly wrong - I only scrub it like this when I'm upset.


2. energy crisis?:: unleaded gas at my local station = $2.69/gallon. I will work for fuel...


3. anti-hoochie-ness:: despite Hammy's last hurrah at camp, my girls calling me to hang, and the brothas enticing me with free lunch/dinner - I spend the weekend cleaning & doing volunteer work...


4. madea:: watched "Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Hung up my 'elitist' card. I laughed, I cried, and I got really really mad. Don't get me wrong - this wasn't War & Peace (it's not supposed to be), but it was entertaining - and Tyler Perry definitely got the emotions right.


5. one thing about DOAMBW:: is it just me, or is Shemar Moore < gasp > asexual? Like no one will claim him - no woman, no man, no body?


6. ghosts of the past:: FL called me. Yes THAT FL - the FL of the abuse, the drama and the ugly breakup.


7. Why I even entertained it:: I want my son to know his father. But despite #19 on the 101 list - I'd given up on this.


8. WTF? we agreed to meet, on neutral ground, to talk. And I listened. As FL declared his undying love for me. If this doesn't seem strange to you, you really need the FL Chronicles - Part I, Part II Part III to understand.


9. spilling my guts:: my response to his admission - that I'm quite simply, horrified. Not mad, not bitter, not vengeful. Horrified, and saddened that he still doesn't try to see his son. Even if it's in Hammy's best interest that he doesn't.


10. the binge:: I come home, open a bottle of Merlot, polish it off k-solo, and start tearing the keys off my laptop, writing a whole LONG rant about men, their dysfunction, FL's craziness, my horrible relationships since our breakup 8 years ago, my searching like Diogenes for a good,honest man...


11. divine intervention:: my computer blinks off, midstroke - no power surge, no power outage, no crash - just cuts off. And the TV, which was off, cuts on. To DOAMBW, the final Church scene, and Brenda (actually Tamala Mann) singing "can you hear it in me...I know I can't do this by myself"...


12. the rational explanation:: for the TV - I was sitting on the remote, and the DVD player was already running. for the 'puter - laptop cord is loose, came out, and the battery wasn't charged. But y'all don't believe that any more than I do...

Sometimes, God will be trying so hard to get a message to us, but we, in our human arrogance, will get so caught up in the minutiae that is our everyday lives, that we're just too busy to listen.

I was just that, caught up in finishing something so ridiculously unimportant, that He had to shake me, get right up in my face and say "Hello?! I'm talking to you - and you NEED to listen".

Nuff said. Just listen. And understand why.
The Gospel RB - Various Artists

and now we interrupt this message with an important word from our sponsors...

Ok, so the mini (and I do mean ultra-mini) sideline things have been paying off. Not enough to put a dent on theSlab's downpayment, but enough to keep Bessie on the road with these rising gas prices ($2.55/gallon? is there cocaine in that gas pump? diamonds? shyt!)

The hustles:
Mystery Shopping
The link-hustle ads: See Craig's List if you wanna get put on to post this kind of thing:
Lactose Intolerance
Greg Duncan
unsecured credit cards

And yes (warning: shameless donation request to follow), you can always check that right hand sidebar, to donate directly via Paypal, or click the Google ads to send me a few pennies...I appreciate 'ya!

and now we return you to our regularly scheduled post...

I've been driving through my metro Atlanta neighborhoods, watching things change. It's fairly obvious to anyone who has heard/visited Atlanta how rapidly it's grown and changed.

And yet, some things never change.

The picture above is of the Centennial Place Apartments in downtown Atlanta. It's also a picture of Techwood Drive, the former main thoroughfare through Techwood Homes. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with Techwood homes, think Cabrini Greens sans high rise. It's reputation was legendary, and infamous. Warranted or not, Techwood was a jungle that you wouldn't voluntarily venture through without a tour guide, and a shotgun. Drugs & crime were the rule, not the exception, and strangers were liable to get caught up.

Oh yes, I am referring to that picture above. Funny how things change, yes? Now, Techwood Drive is called Centennial Olympic Park Drive, not only because it borders Centennial olympic Park, but also because that name now garners $M in real estate dollars, instead of DFACS checks or drug cash.

But the homeless still (sorta) live there:

And that's typical of the two (maybe more?) Atlantas in which I live, work, breathe. The Atlanta that is (was), and the Atlanta that Atlanta aspires to be.

The Atlanta that Atlanta aspires to be is a neo-Urban mecca, where you can sleep, eat, shyt and play without leaving a 50 yard radius of your living room - well, if you can pay to play. And that price is very high. If Atlanta (as an entity) were free to carve out a new identity, it would be a Gen Y, classist, pseudo-multicultural melting pot, where everyone can come & live @ Atlantic Station and work @ Midtown, and shop @ Ikea...or at least that's what some would like you to believe.

But that's not what Atlanta is. Not yet at least. What Atlanta is, like many American metropolitan cities, is a city in gentrification:

This store is about 100 ft from Centennial Place, and it hasn't been moved, yet. For me, this symbolizes what Atlanta was/is for the last 10 years or so. A city at once suffering from urban blight, "issues" of homelessness, impoverished areas as well as isolated clusters of affluence, and institutionalized racism thinly veiled as classism. My Northern friends asked me to describe Atlanta, and the only way I could is to tell them to drive 10 miles along any main thoroughfare here, and you would pass some projects, and some $M homes. Racism here was organic, ingrained in: the social status & structure of the city, the makeup of its neighborhoods, the distribution of wealth, the lack of cultural interaction (and therefore "true" diversity) and despite the brown faces that run the city, ingrained in its politricks as well.

So, is then very far from now? The Atlanta that is very far from the Atlanta it aspires to be? Naw, shawty...not as long as that same racist infrastructure controls the destiny of the city. Not as long as politricks can dictate policies to ban panhandling, and the closing realignment* of homeless shelters. Not as long as the real estate market here drives up the price of properties intown, eliminating affordable intown housing, and forcing current urban dwellers into the suburbs.

*Oh, and by realignment, I mean the closing of several intown shelters, and the opening of one centralized Gateway facility. Yes, it's good that it added 270 beds, but this unintentional conslidation screams cattle round-up to me. Like Goodie said, are they trying to keep the crime out, or to keep our a$$es in?

I can guess what the landscape will look like in 10 years, and despite the annoyances intown living has posed here for the last 10+ years, I am going to miss: local eateries like Gutbusters, Q-Time; hole-in-the-wall clubs like Ellery's & Marco's; cottage-style bungalows; and places where the owner knew your name & face. I'm afraid that I'm going to eventually end up saying goodbye to Soul Vegetarian, and Soul Kiss, and Shoe Gallery or the Shoemaker's Warehouse and that Five Points Flea market will be converted into a loft space. They'll be wiped clean, and replaced by sterile, vanilla shoplets that only offer socially acceptable diversity additives. Which isn't very far from the perspective of Atlanta's most vocal residents. I think I'm just over being a Peach.

Bakers Dozen c/o KB via ej.

1. theSlab update:: see that beautiful treeline in the background? Well, I chose that site exactly because I wanted some privacy for my backyard. However that treeline is apparently some kind of nature preserve, that my builder neglected to properly research before beginning construction. The state has halted construction until this whole thing is sorted out.


2. 
   thePOORSlab:: meanwhile, the houses across the street are almost done. My poor Slab looks so sad because she hasn't grown up like her cousins...awwwwww.


3. no hoochie-ness:: Hammy's in camp again - but after last weekend, I'm passing on anything testosterone-related.


4. theOofA Update:: he calls, I dodge, and he finally catches up with me. Claims he has no idea who called me, apologizes emphatically, restates he's divorced, and wants the chance to prove this to me. Hmph - I ain't holding my breath until that happens.


5. it gets deeper & deeper... He admits he's a functional alcoholic. I'm so done with this dude.


6. Doing good in the 'hood:: if you saw me hawking car washes over the weekend, please note that I did not wear Daisy Dukes (in my case, Boss Hoggs) to do it.


7. Can someone say, "exhaustion"?


8. Hustle & Flow:: I was too tired & wound up to hit the hay, so theChaos & I catch the movie. FYI, I found my elitist-a$$ liking it against my own will. Not one I'd run repeatedly, but it was entertaining. "You know it's hard out here for a pimp...


9. gettin' my hustle on:: yeah, I've been doing mystery shops as a sideline for a minute. Another FYI - the bar for customer service in Atlanta is really, really, REALLY low.


10. Ikea:: I've been putting this off, because I hate trying to shop in these crowds. However, it is a really cool store, and I've managed to fully furnish theSlab, even though she ain't quite grown, yet...lol.


11. Diversity?:: I'm amazed at the spectrum of folks shopping in Ikea, the interracial couples, the age ranges (from teenagers off to college to grandparents reorganizing the grandkids room), cultures, etc. Now, what's interesting is that although these folks are occupying the same space, there's so little interaction. Like in Crash, seems like we only get together to collide.


12. dyeing-the-napps-red-again update:: "Go on and walk away... 'cause I'm gonna' burn this m*****f***** down. Lucy Ricardo ain't got s*** on me."

Disclaimer:: Despite her use of fancy-a$$ words, or socio-political/psychological context, the following IS intended to be saga's RANT. Take from it what you will.

I've been reading more articles than I care to recount, and a good amount of message board responses, to the whole "The Problem with Black Women is..." jawn. Since March 2003 (and probably before), when Newsweek graced news stands with some theories on the dysfunction in African-American relationships, recounting the divorce & marriage rate statistics, and with notable African-American women debating whether our expectations were reasonable, and whether we should "settle", this topic has been floating up to the pop-culture surface in the African-American community, like a turd that just won't flush. And then there's:
~ Jill Jones piece for the Washington Post
~ Rev. Willie Wilson's comments cited in the Washington Blade. Note: click here for a bio on Rev. Willie Wilson.
~ Blacktown.net (note: I won't even try to preface that one with an explanation).

< sigh >

I happen to be one of "those" women. The kind that makes a decent wage, is preternaturally single, and can't seem to find a decent man. Now, don't get me wrong - I will be the first one to shine a light on my emotional baggage. But can an intelligent black woman get a break?

The problem isn't that the black woman "abandoned" or subverted the structure of the African-American family with our attempts to achieve professional success or financial stability. The problem is that black women responded, as well as we could, to changes in our environment, and now we're being lambasted for it.

I, personally, was raised in a two-parent household, where both parents HAD to work in order for the household to survive. Now, who was the larger wage-earner wasn't the issue with my family. The issue was whether or not the wages being earned were enough to sustain us.

Jump to now, and I'm working within cultural constraints that prevent me from creating that same two-parent household. Misogyny has become rampant and almost acceptable as the news media has propagated the "decent black man shortage" and popular media (think: music videos & popular TV shows) has continued to propagate negative images of black women almost exponentially. There are factors on a macro-level that inhibit my ability to find a suitable mate, such as the declining economy, declining marriage rates, and the divorce rate that hit a record high plateau.

And let's talk about the DL for just a second, shall we? I've mentioned my feelings about this before in this space, but just so we're all clear - the DL is media-propaganda, designed to perpetuate paranoia, to sell more books, more videos, and more cd's. There has been a closet for years. AIDS & HIV has been around for years. Promiscuous sexual behavior has been around FOR YEARS. These issues are loosely correlated, one of these things doesn't necessarily "predict" the other, so if you address just one, it won't automatically fix the others. The paranoia related to the DL hasn't and will never correct any of these issues, so frankly I for one feel as if the topic had it's time. The DL is not why I can't find a decent man, but the paranoia related to the DL is.

I've been forced, almost against my will, to economically empower myself, in order to survive. I've been forced, much to my own chagrin, to create a more appealing package (physically, mentally, emotionally and financially) to stay competitive in the hyper-competitive market that dating within the African-American community has become. I've been forced, again without my consent, to become the Alpha-Black-Female, in response to these societal, economic & cultural pressures.

And at the end of all this, what do I get as my reward? I get to be the root of all African-American dysfunctional family evil. Great.

At the end of this post, what would I like to happen? What would I like you to take away from this? That we (yes, I'll speak briefly for the myriad black women who are catching hell right now) tried as hard as we could to keep our families together. We tried, as hard as we could, to support our black men. We tried, as hard as we could, to understand that yes - they had & have it harder than we do. We tried, as hard as we could, to not only understand that they're emasculated in the media daily, but to also strengthen them and help ease their burden. And we tried, as hard as we could, not to be hurt when they turned their backs on us.

So.

I'm taking back my right to not be dehumanized or objectified. I'm taking back my right to not settle for just any man, and my right to have Standards and Expectations. I'm restoring my right to be selective about whom I date. I'm rejecting the theory that if I didn't demand equal opportunities, the black family would still be intact. I'm refusing to let the "DL" force me to look cross-eyed at every man I meet. I've worked dayum hard to create who I am as a black woman, and I will not allow pop-culture theorists turn that into some desperate-workaholic spinster, in order to explain why my community is in shambles. ENOUGH ALREADY.

It's not my gaht dayum fault.

Looks like saga has some 'splainin to do.

Ok, so if you're familiar with my 101, then you've seen me say that I wanted to register this domain? Well the unstated portion of that task was to make the site self-sufficient. I wanted this site to pay for itself. Oh, and yeah - with my buying theSlab, I also could use a lil extra $$$.

SO, I was looking for a part-time writing gig on Craig's List, and came across an ad looking for bloggers. Post about whatever, the topic itself doesn't matter, as long as you included some links that they send to you, for example:
Simmons Jannace
New York Office Space
car insurance
Bvlgari Diagono Lady's Gold Watch

Sounds benign enough, 'specially considering the amount of spam Trackbacks I've been getting lately (20/day? gaht dayum). If I'm gonna be pimped via spam, I might as well pimp myself.

Er, uh - no. See - I felt dirty when I wrote the first social experiment post, and even though this (sorta) explains what I did, I still feel a lil grimy for posting those links above. Even though it's easy cash, I felt like my writing is one of those few things I have that I have the complete freedom to be utterly genuine about, and I pimped my words out for some chump change.

Hm...how do I make this spot self-sufficient without being suspect. Paypal donations or Ads by Google, anyone?

I'm a sucker for men who cry.

Do men really want to know what women think when they shed some tears? I'm chatting with one of my homeboys, and he admits to me that he let a couple fall, while watching a documentary with a female friend. Now he's worried what she thinks of him. Not only is he feeling emasculated, but he's also worried that this "friend" saw him cry. SHE thought it was endearing. HE doesn't want her to get any more attached than she already is. Lawd.

Now, despite me being an SBW (strong black woman), I cry during ABC's Extreme Home Makeover. Every Week. Stop laughing, those stories are touching, dayum!

So, I've got a soft spot for men who cry. Watching Felix shed a tear when his vision comes to life, his tears inspired by his own dedication, commitment and partially his parent's struggles, I'm well...actually I get a little moist, and not around the eyes...oh hell - it's just dayum sexxy!

I know I know - I said Man Up! Please, no big whiny, baby, poo-face crying - that ish ain't sexxy. But yeah, men crying is hot. Let me illustrate for you:

• Breaking down after the birth of your child - oh hell yeah, it's the least you can do after your SO put in all that hard work. In Life-changing moments, tears are almost required.


• Fulfillment of a dream - passion, in any way, shape or form is hot. So if that passion manifests itself as eye-dew, than let the tears fall. Dream job, dream house, dream opportunity - definitely hottie-tears moments.


• Emotionally heart-wrenching moments - after a long argument over some petty jealousy, an ex of mine wrote me an apology, and had a single tear in his eye as he delivered it. Talk about getting broke the f&*% off? I think we tore a hole in the floor, ok?

Now, before any guy out there goes out into the world, boo-hooing, please note the following:
Women are the master of the fake tear, ok? I have boo-hooed on call, to:

• Beat out a traffic ticket, while speeding, in a residential area, with no license, no proof of insurance, with out of state registration and having just littered, in front of a Dekalb County police officer.


• Prevent my fiance from breaking up with me, when he caught me at the movies with someone else (oops - but it was really innocent).


• Change a grade in college. I really needed that A...

So don't try to snow a chick with a few drops of Visine and a frown...she will catch you, 'cause the sistas are always watchin'. And if you drop a couple during "Pornucopia", don't worry about it...

Bakers Dozen c/o KB via ej.

1. Get a call - Hammy's invited to camp for the weekend. Let the hoochie-ness begin!


2. Prep myself for a positively hoochiefied weekend: 3 dates, 3 different guys, no strings. All a healthy distraction from theOofA, who has been getting kinda serious on me. Oh and a house party to boot.


3. Wake up early, to go shopping, and take care of some Hammy-related biz, before Date 1.


4. Date 1: sorta geeky with definite scrub tendencies. We meet for a late lunch. He's much cooler in person than on the phone, so the date goes smooth. BUT he definitely is backburner material.


5. Date 3: geeky, no scrub tendencies here. However, he calls early, and tries to overstep Date 2 - and is over-the-sexual-top on the phone. Hm, I'm feeling like cancelling Date 3 already.


6. Date 2: blows me off. Oh well - on to the party.


7. The party's cancelled? Dayum!


8. theOofA calls, wants to come over. Of course luv - I've been wanting to see you.


9. Snuggling with theOofA, watching a movie, drinking wine, eating popcorn...nice....


10. theOofA spends the night. Not strictly plataonic, but not exactly intimate either. I blow off Date 3.


11. We chill all day, sleeping off the wine, etc. It's cool, having the potential to do this again...


12. theOofA's wife calls me. Tells me to stop calling her husband. That Mother-Fucker.