So, I'm surveying the online dating landscape (read: blackplanet) and the view isn't pretty. Folks (M and F) are showing their scars, clearly. It ain't pretty.
Some quotes:
Women in Atlanta have some funky attitudes...
Men in Atlanta are either arrogant or too passive...
He/She/They don't know how to approach me...
Due to my encounters with people on this site, I'm taking a break from dating...
...oh wait, that last one's from my page. (note: I realize bp is just wrong on so many levels, but it was a handy gauge. and theChaos met her SO there.) But I digress..
Even on NP.com, a discussion of M-F relationships leads to the eternal "Why do you think you don't have a Man" threads, with more common themes...
I'm too strong, too independent, too aggressive...
too picky - if a guy f&*$'s up, he's outta here...
the thought of being hurt (again) scares the ISH outta me...
i have trust issues...
I've been hurt before, so now i take things really slow...
So, these ideas, along with my falling in & out of Like within a matter of about 24 hours, got me thinking. Is there a huge difference between being a bag lady, and revealing evidence of your scars?
Let me clarify though - we all have scars. Anyone who has ever been burned by any relationship - love, friendship, family, etc. - bears them. I used to think the trick was to let them heal completely, clean it well to prevent it from infecting your whole psyche, let that scab form without picking at it (take a break from whatever relationship it was), and let that scar form. I always thought that once healed, unless someone deliberately re-opened that same wound, that scar would be fine.
Unlike baggage, which just stays with your a$$, until you either check it, or unpack it. I mean, if you have a recurring issue, like for instance the trust issue, until you really analyze it (unpack), figure out what's the root cause (clean, iron & fold) and then attempt to resolve the root cause (put away) - that baggage is just going to keep cropping up. Like that unclaimed bag on the revolving belt at Hartsfield.
But man - the unclaimed baggage is like an epidemic. I swore off dating repeatedly, and was about to again (and still may). So did the person I'm in Like with. So have many others. But that's avoiding the issue. I mean, introspection is cool and all, but at some point, you have to get back on that pony & ride, right? In order to learn that particular lesson - you've got to pass the pop-quiz, that says "hey, are your scars healed?"
I have scars, true. My most evident, most painful emotional scar is my inability to tolerate even the slightest emotional infraction - without cutting the perceived perpetrator utterly & completely out of my life. I am fully aware of this. And I'm trying very...very...very hard to overcome it. It's been quite the struggle, and I'd be lying if I said I've made substantial progress. I've waffled between being an emotional "giver" and unable to say no, to making myself a martyr, donning my ninja gear, and pulling a Kill Bill move on some unsuspecting victim. They never even saw it coming; meanwhile, I'm thinking "yeah right - c'mon - you HAD to have a clue".
But I know that neither "solution" is getting me any closer to a real resolution.
So, an open statement to anyone reading this who may feel emotionally victimized:
I apologize if my actions hurt you. While I know I put my emotional baggage behind me, and I believe my scars have healed, I also know that I'm a work in progress.
And to anyone reading this who sees the opportunity to victimize me:
Don't get the above line twisted. My vision isn't that skewed. I will still cut a m***a-f***a for trying to get over on me. It's best that you come sincere to me, or don't come at all.
My heart is open wide, but my head is still screening applicants. Have your resume & references ready, kna'mean? And I will check both. Meanwhile, I'm running these practice exams to death, to prep for that big emotional test...
...at least I hope that's what this is, and I'm not running into walls for the hell of it.
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