mi familia*

So, I've alwayz felt that I was the black sheep, for so many reasons. Only child (or so I thought), too fat, too smart, talked to "proper", acted too "white", too "bougie" (my daddy's thing - and I guilty by association), too good for both my mama and some of my daddy's people. With all of this in tow, being a black sheep, an outsider, didn't alwayz seem so bad. Can't miss what you never had - and it dodged a lot of teasing.

I've grown since then, and come to understand that families can be a strange and difficult thing. A double-edged sword, a careful imbalance, and maybe, just maybe, sometimes - those folks you call when you're in need. Maybe. Or you get called when they're in need. Or, if you're like me - you create one. Not to replace the one you have, but to create the real support group, that has your back when shyt inevitably gets thick.

With all this in my sub-conscious, I walked into this room, that contained the sea of faces you see pictured above. Well, actually there were probably an additional 40 or so people, from another portion of my family. More on that later.

As I walked in, my stomach tightened. I looked around for a familiar face, and those old feelings surfaced. Feeling outside, and thinking I'd never "belong". With Hammy pulling back towards the door, which was really tempting me, I took one more step into the room, and my whole perspective shifted.

I saw my cousin Lou, who was making the rounds of the room. Lou found me, on Zabasearch.com, as he has found most of the people in the room, quite a few of whom have only been to a few reunions. Lou smiled his gracious, humble smile, touched a few people on the shoulder gently, to check and see how they were doing, how their kids were doing, and to see why so-and-so didn't make it, making sure everything was ok. Lou is the glue, and he keeps this thing together, keeps track of our people, and works dayum hard to find more.

Then my cousin Barbara tapped me on the shoulder. She recognized me, even though we haven't seen each other since I was 7 years old. I recognized myself in her face, we look a lot alike. According to her, I look the same - just maximized...lol. We talked for a bit, and then she gently but firmly placed her hand in the small of my back, and pushed me around the room...

To meet my cousin Mike, and his new wife...and my great-aunt Lucille, who remembers me loving her homemade blackberry pie, and get pricked a whole lot by those blackberry bushes trying to find enough berries for her to make it...and my cousin Big P, who I swear looks so familiar...and on...and on. In each of their faces, I see small portions of me, that I always attributed directly to my mama & daddy. That wide nose, my mom's tribute, also in the face of cousin Patrice. My ultra-thick hair, beautifully laid (even if it is permed) on Margaret, and her daughter Karen, and her grandbaby KiKi, as well as most of my female cousins & aunts. My temper, manifested in my lil cousin Brian, who wasn't feeling the too-long line for food, and wanted to get his catfish on RIGHT NOW!!!

It was...very special. My family schooled me, on our bloodline, and our history. About a break down the middle of our fam, between my grandmama & granddaddy, that sent my grandma packing to divorce court, and a life 1000+ miles away. They gently reminded me that my step-grandfather wasn't my grandaddy, and told me what a mess my grandparents were back in their day. They explained about the different diverging bloodlines, and how our family "split" along those lines, because of some long-forgotten drama. We took one pic of the entire clan (still waiting for it to be sent from the photographer's), and then 3 pics, of each of the factions.

Shoot, I watched Lou theGlue, do the Electric Slide, the Cha-Cha slide, and at least 3 other line dances, including one I've never seen before that "drops it like it's hot" at the end. Note:: Lou is well into his 60's. Lou can drop it way better than I can. I talked to cousin Reggie for a long time, about our disabled children, and being an advocate for our kids. Cousin Michelle invited me to visit her clan, and promised to BBQ to get the other cousins to come by for a smaller "reunion".

I came to a small conclusion I guess, after feeling weird there, and after thinking about it during that storm on the way home. Family, like life, is really what you make of it. Those cataclysmic differences are only as large as you allow them to be. Drama will fade, and can be put away like old linens that turn to dust, with time. If you let them.

Am I still the Black Sheep? Sure, if I want to be. Or I can be theGlue, if Lou's ever willing to pass that title on. It's really up to me.

ETA:: *Names have all been changed to protect the innocent ;-)