internet dating after 35: oh see - you lost your whole mind

I'd attributed this foolishness previously to a full moon, but several moons have passed, and these fools are still tripping. So, now I'm guessing the biological clock has kicked in. Yeah, I know - and no, it ain't just women that are feeling it. Apparently, the brothers are feeling the need to plant seeds, so they're blowing me up with lunacy. Or they're just nucking futs. Either way, they need rules, and it's my civic duty to provide 'em.

• the anti-booty call, call: After 10PM, before 9AM - if you ain't delivering beef sausage, you need to hang up before you hit that 7th digit. That whole: "I just called to give you that present you wanted; I just called to hear your voice; I just called to see what you were doing..." jazz is about original as Kenny G. track.


• never-never-never drink and dial: there is nothing more annoyingly pathetic than being old, dumb and drunk. <caller in throaty Floaters voice > er, hi yeah...this is Larry...< long pause as caller temporarily loses consciousness > uh yer...and I'm a Cancer < caller wipes slobber off receiver > and uh yeah... fsjkwugas *#$^% fjjlas < I don't know what the hell that was > ...and when you get this message, call.. < beep: end of message>


• riffing with a ghost: Maybe someone could break this down for me, since this one has me boggled. Why would you ever argue, via text messages, emails and voicemails, with someone you are interested in, but have NeVeR met? an example: if you don't want to talk to me, you could just say so. This is the 21st century equivalent of a middle-school note, asking "Do you like me? check no, yes or maybe" - except we ain't in middle school so the cuteness has been gone. for. friggin. decades.


• cellphone percussion bombs: <sigh> we are grown folks, holding down jobs, with responsibilities. so, u call, leave a message, hang up, then call back. r.e.p.e.a.t.e.d.l.y. what, suddenly my conf. call, seminar, class, kids, customer will magically dissipate into a puff of smoke, allowing me to take YOUR important "hey, so what are you wearing?" call? Even on vibrate, it's not cool to blow me up like this - GTFOH -and go knit a scarf or something.


• pseudo-intimacy: so we chatted incessantly, emailed back & forth, and held late-night phone sessions professing our intense like. That SO does not mean you can bring your hot a$$ over my house, prop your nasty size 12's on my coffee table, and chill like we've been married for 15 years.


• romance spam: hell naw, you can not send me an email saying "baby, I really like you... I enjoyed talking to you... and I really want to see you again" and then CC three other females you're trying to get at!!! WTF?! The only appropriate response - Reply All with: "I really had a good time too, and I finally heard from the doctor...that little infection you gave me finally cleared up, and the cooch is no longer oozing green slime, so we can have sex again, isn't that cool?"

Oh, I got more...I'm just sleepy as hell. Point is: just because my clock went off some years back doesn't mean the rules just went out the dayum window. I just want to date for FUN. At this rate, that celibacy task (see 101 list) is getting easier...and easier...and..