I have to acknowledge this because we've been out of touch lately, and I know exactly where this lesson came from.
SO: the Vixen & I almost had it out.
I guess I need to 'splain - the Vixen is a friend of mine that I work with. I started calling her that, because her persona is of a clever-like-a-fox, sex kitten (sorta) and more importantly because it alluded to some skankness I believed is in her past. Well, believe rather, but I'm trying to be magnanimous.
After many transgressions, real & perceived, I'd built in my head a pretty good case against the Vixen. Our varied backgrounds, our varied upbringing, our varied responses to certain situations, our varied perspectives on life, love, morals, values, etc. I'd accepted the fact that although the Vixen & I could be coworkers, and I could be her friend, I'd never trust her enough to be mine. I thought she was phony, and I saw right through her. I ranted about it once, but...
First though: the jump-off. We were supposed to take a trip to South Beach together, but she took a brownie detour first. Lacking motivation & time to grocery shop, I delayed my trip. So I called her to give her a S. Beach salad dressing recipe. That. included. Mayonnaise. Ok, I know - but mayo is allowed. Antyhoo...
A XX-minute diatribe from the Vixen on the evils of Mayo followed. It felt like 2 days, primarily because I anticipated it. At the end of the convo, I was Done and made sure I let the Vixen know that I would henceforth keep my thoughts to myself. <Unappreciative a$$>
So, I was ready to dismiss the Vixen over Mayo. Forever. Y'all have read my record of dismissal, right? SG has been fired & rehired a few times. BSD is collecting unemployment as we speak. I got rid of Hope 6 days before her wedding, and I was the Maid of Honor. I just figured it's hard finding good friends.
But this tugged at my heart. I mean it REALLY bothered me. She was bugging me because she thought I was pissed, and I never explained it to her. So I talked to an objective observer, and just meditated on it for 48 hours. I didn't pray. I've been so busy lately that prayer never even crossed my mind. But I considered the dilemna and decided that when I could harness my tongue I'd talk to her.
And I did today. I <sigh>...I didn't have it in me to come completely clean, and tell her all that I was thinking. I knew that would hurt her, and I couldn't intentionally do that. I did, however, let her know some things that really bothered me: the differences, the perspective and the way we respond to things, as well as the way she responded to me. Her response? That we're friends. And that if I have an issue with her, to let her know, no matter how much it may hurt her feelings. There was more, but you get the gist.
While she was talking though, I realized my issue (the lesson I needed to learn) wasn't with her. It was with me. My heart has been scarred ever since FL & the incest incident, because I thought someone was my friend who was really not. So I learned to dismiss, so that no one would ever hurt me like that again.
I have to learn how NOT to DISMISS. I needed to learn to not just quietly accept my friend's flaws. My best friends CALL ME ON MY SHYT! I owe anyone else I call my friend at least that much. I also need to learn how to trust again, especially women.
So the Vixen and I are cool, much cooler that even she knows. I'll call her on her shyt, and in doing so - I'll call me on mine.
ETA: and yeah - the Rant. I don't want to point you to it, because looking back it was more than unfair. It was pretty mean-spirited. But I'm leaving it as a reminder to myself that I need to grow.
God, thank you.
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